8 Ways Parents Can Support Their LGBTQ+ Children During and After Pride Month
Maybe you haven’t noticed the dramatic uptick of rainbow memorabilia and decorations hanging off store shelves this month, or maybe you did and thought nothing of it. Regardless, it’s nothing new for companies to profit from a month dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, even if they notoriously discourage such identities in their workplace.
Despite the progressive nature of America today, LGBTQ+ youths still face significant barriers, discrimination, and stereotypes. They remain an at-risk population for homelessness, suicide, and mental illnesses, oftentimes at the hands of disapproving parents. Regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation, first and foremost, they are human and equally deserving of love, freedoms, and opportunity.
This topic is extremely personal to me, as someone who “came out” as bisexual at a young age to a confused mother and vehemently disapproving father. I vividly remember that as a young child, our neighbor was gay. My dad took issue with that. Although our neighbor, John, and his boyfriend were relatively discrete about their relationship, when he casually mentioned having a male partner in conversation, my father hissed between the fence separating our houses, “I don’t care about what you do, just don’t bring that shit around my daughter. I don’t want her to turn out that way.”
Naturally, he was so surprised when I spent two years with a lovely female, in a happy relationship, that he refused to acknowledge her existence. There was no, “I want you to meet my dad because you having a relationship with my family is important to me,”… and there never would be. He made that clear.
Sometimes, parents struggle trying to find ways to show support to their LGBTQ+ children and family. What should they do, hang a bunch of Pride flags around the house? Make a few Facebook posts? As someone who identifies as LGBTQ+, I can offer some insight on how to be a good, “ally” without being overbearing or awkward about it.
- Understand the Possibility of Your Child Being LGBTQ+
From the day you decide to birth that child, you are accepting everything they could become (within reason). I will urge aspiring parents: if you are not comfortable with the concept of your child identifying as gay, transgender, non-binary, bisexual, etc., do not have one. If you would kick them out onto the streets and refuse to provide them with the housing, food, and love that you are responsible for providing as a parent, do not assume the responsibility of parenthood. Plain and simple.
Too often, unaccepting parents use the excuse of, “I fed you, clothed you, gave you food, and this is who you choose to be? This isn’t how I raised you!” Newsflash: You chose to have that child. You have signed up for everything that entails. Assigning heterosexual and cisgender labels to someone with their own preferences and opinions is nobody’s fault except your own.
2. Prepare for the “Coming Out”
There will be a moment where everything clicks. Whether you learn your child is LGBTQ+ through their own admission, your parental instinct, or any other means, it’s important that your reaction be one of love and acceptance. This especially applies to parents whose children are comfortable enough to open up to them directly. Your child is placing themselves in a position of vulnerability, and trusts you with this information. The last thing you want to do is have a harsh or indifferent reaction, which could adversely impact their relationship and comfort with you. Even if you do not particularly care that they are LGBTQ+, they should be commended and met with warmth for trusting you enough to open up about a socially controversial topic.
Sometimes, they might come out quietly. Perhaps to friends first, on the internet, or to a teacher at school. You might be the last to know, and not through any fault of your own. Societal pressures to conform to heterosexual norms can place a massive deal of weight on an impressionable young adult, and some would rather confide in an individual whose opinion carries very little weight first. If you’re last on the list, do not take it personally. Everyone has a different means of shifting outside of their comfort zone and overcoming that awkwardness.
Finally, and this shouldn’t need to be said — if they come out to you, it is not your place to “out” them to someone else. You might be proud, excited, or a mixture of other emotions, not necessarily all positive. However, it is their responsibility to determine when they are comfortable with someone else knowing, not yours.
3. Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable
Chances are, they received “the talk” on reproduction and relationships in middle school, from you, or figured it out themselves online, from friends, etc. Chances also are that this talk was based off the assumption of a heterosexual relationship. They probably understand contraceptive methods, pregnancy, STD’s, etc., as it pertains to these relationships, and what measures to take.
If you know your child is LGBTQ+, I would highly encourage sitting down with them and having a frank conversation about sex, because this aspect of inclusion is often ignored. Dental dams, condoms (male and female), STD’s or STI’s, the exclusion of certain lubricants for anal exploration, and consent all have their individual areas of importance, but are often overlooked.
Not everyone will be comfortable with participating in this discussion, and might ask, “Can we talk about this later?”, or say, “I’m not ready,”. The best course of action is to respect these boundaries, and reaffirm that you are open to the discussion when they are prepared for it, if that time comes.
4. Stop with The Pride Memorabilia
Some parents have this weird way of aggressively showing their support by purchasing memorabilia or gag gifts. This isn’t really necessary, particularly if we aren’t openly, “out”. It’s one thing if we ask for it or express interest in it, but all we really want is your support. Please leave the, “I’m so gay, I can’t even drive straight” bumper stickers on the rack at Spencer’s.
5. You Might Support Us, But Not Everyone Does
Young adults and teenagers often spend at least half of their weekdays away from home, whether they are at school or working. In these environments, they are subjected to the opinions, beliefs, and actions of other people. If they have already “come out”, there’s always a chance of this being met with backlash from peers, colleagues, employers, teachers, etc. If they have disclosed their sexuality and/or gender orientation to those individuals before yourself, there’s not much you can do about something you don’t know about. However, it does not hurt to “check in” with them at the end of the week and ask how work or school have been, if anything has bothered them, or simply let them know that you are available to listen to them.
As always, as a parent, you should look for warning signs of something amiss. Grades dropping without explanation, isolation, social withdrawal, or partaking in risky behaviors might indicate that a, “don’t worry about it,” attitude is really worth worrying about.
Keep encouraging them to have open dialogue with you, but don’t push too hard or become offended if they opt not to at the moment. If they demonstrate concerning behaviors or patterns, it might be time to consult a licensed professional if they are not willing to divulge more information or open up. Nobody wants their child to suffer in silence, but they must be afforded the space and opportunity to resolve their own external and internal conflicts.
6. Educate Yourself on Pronouns, Preferred Names, and Transitioning
I have found that sometimes, the “T” part of LGBTQ+ is excluded — transgender. In addition, there are different identities whereas an individual might identify as a different gender or no defined gender whatsoever, such as androgynous, genderfluid, genderqueer, gender non-confirming, non-binary, agender, etc. If your child comes out as one of these, take the time to understand their meaning and do a little research. These are gender identities, not sexual orientations, which are two very different things.
Talk openly with them if they identify as one of these. Are they comfortable with their current name, or would they prefer something else? Should you refer to them as, “he”, “she”, or “they” when talking about them? Are they comfortable with their current sex, or are they considering transitioning? Would they prefer hormone treatment therapy? Are they open to discussing this with a doctor?
These are important questions to ask eventually, some of them for health reasons. If your child is thinking about transitioning or hormone treatment therapy, you will need to discuss this with them and ensure they are informed of any potential ramifications. There are products, creams, and supplements intended to boost testosterone in biological females or estrogen in biological males, which can be bought via Amazon or OTC. However, they can have a lot of negative side-effects, particularly if not approved by a doctor. The same can be said for the utilization of chest binders, packers, or anything else that can be misused if the product is not safe for long periods of wear. Homemade chest binders have been known to crush ribs and interfere with breathing.
Know that not everyone who identifies as transgender experiences dysphoria related to their bodies, and some might be comfortable remaining their biological sex. However, preferred name and pronouns should still be respected. Accepting the body they have does not make their identities any less valid.
7. It Might Be a Phase; It Might Not Be. That’s Not Your Decision
Let’s be honest — we demonize the concept of other sexualities and gender orientations being a “phase” if they are not heterosexual. Yes, they can be phases. Young adults are growing, changing, and exploring… but, so are their hormones and minds.
We try clothes on to make sure they fit before we wear them, and if they don’t, we find something that does. The same can be said for gender identities and sexual orientations. There is absolutely no harm in exploring one’s identity until they feel comfortable, and no harm in them later deciding that it isn’t the right fit for them. Regardless, we must accept others where they are at, instead of criticizing them or dismissing what they are feeling.
8. Gender and Sexuality Are Not Choices
Sexuality and gender preferences are often misconceived as being “choices” we consciously make, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Parents and loved ones who do not accept their child’s identity will start with, “Why would you do this?”, “Why would you want to love another girl?”, or, “Why do you want to be a boy? You’re so pretty!”, without understanding that these are not decisions we make. We do not wake up one day and decide to retaliate against our loved ones or cause discourse by declaring ourselves as transgender, androgynous, gay, pansexual, etc. We do not wake up choosing to be a minority, misrepresented, or risk losing the roof over our heads. We do not consciously desire the possibility of becoming another suicide statistic hanging over our heads. We do not opt-in for the strange, side-eye glances in public spaces.
Oftentimes, when someone discovers their identity is the minority or anything outside of what is considered “normal”, it can be terrifying. It’s not uncommon for someone to cry, feel ashamed, or even be angry about it, because they understand how difficult of a path it can be. They are afraid of what comes next. What if their children aren’t accepting? What if their parents disown them? Will they get to know their grandchildren? How much of their life will it ruin? You can’t tell me that anyone happily wants to ask themselves those questions.
There are many ways to support your fellow LGBTQ+ family members, and especially your children. The biggest of them all is to simply be supportive and listen. If you are religious, know that God will judge someone who disowns and casts hate upon one of His own children before He will judge that same person for who they love. Do not excuse homophobia, intolerance, or bigotry in the spaces where yourself or your loved ones occupy, and be the person to say something about it instead of passing that responsibility onto someone else.
Most importantly, love eachother, be gentle with one another, and respect the preferences of those you associate with.
