Closing the Gap: Making Long-Distance Dating Successful
Now, more than ever, long-distance relationships have become increasingly popular. Television shows such as, “Catfish: The TV Show” and the many variations of, “90 Day Fiancé” capitalize on this fact.
I have been in a variety of long-distance and in-person relationships, and have discovered that many of the success factors remained consistent across both, but some tweaks needed to be made. After all, both of us were over a thousand miles apart on opposite sides of the U.S, and therefore, time zones. As always, I hope my experience and insight can help someone else.
My experience was unique because both of us were working professionals in school with our own adult lives. Of course, I never anticipated to develop feelings for the guy. We’d idly text when spending time with friends, between classes, etc. — the goal was never a relationship. He’d never been in a long-distance one and I, frankly, had no interest in actively dating at the time in the months after a breakup. Obviously, mutual feelings developed and I was the first to come clean. I learned a long time ago that the worst-case scenario in expressing my feelings would be rejection but at least I wouldn’t waste time on what “could be,”. As it turned out, he felt the same. What a relief!
What made our relationship so successful immediately was having the uncomfortable, yet frank conversation about how to maintain a relationship when he was in Texas and I was in Florida. There would be no point in getting lost in the excitement and happiness only to have no game plan on how to make things realistically work. We agreed we’d need to meet in-person to solidify things and everything else would come afterwards. The following day, we sat down, hashed out our schedules over the next two months, and found a weekend for ourselves three weeks out. I’ll be entirely honest — you will need money. It’s a must. Without it, there’s no meeting physically regardless of flying or driving. If I didn’t have the financial means to see him, I wouldn’t have held out and waited until some unknown time period when I did. For some couples, that requires months of saving money, and that’s fine, but that discussion needs to be had first. If you are committing yourself to a relationship, you are also committing to everything involved in making that relationship work long-term. Our first conversations before we finalized our relationship was finances and our schedules.
We had to make sacrifices during the time period we were long-distance, and some of the sacrifices were time we’d spend together. Unfortunately, work and school were non-negotiable because we both prioritized our education and financial stability. We didn’t bother eachother when we worked and understood an inability to text often. We worked full-time jobs plus school in 2019, and with an hour difference, I’d often not hear from him from 8am EST to 6pm EST aside from a few, “hope your day is going well,” texts. Even afterwards, if we had schoolwork to do, things were pretty quiet during the day. We sacrificed our time together to excel in the places we prioritized. We sacrificed some of our time with friends or social events during weekends to catch up via voice or video chat.
Developing routines became super important. If we didn’t have a scheduled “us” night or time carved out in advance, that time period would be consumed by other things. We needed to prioritize bonding time with eachother, which can be tricky long distance, but a phone or computer and some internet connection can do wonders! We had a weekly “movie night” each week, usually on Wednesday nights, where we’d stream a video together and watch it together in real time. There’s a lot of platforms out there to do this! We’d also be on the phone with eachother while watching to make the experience feel “real”, trading banter back and forth. I made sure all my homework and obligations were taken care of in advance, and so did he. Sometimes, things came up and we rescheduled for a different day. Every weekend, we also tried to play a video game co-op together, and oftentimes an electronic board game such as Monopoly. We also developed the routine of calling eachother before bed to say goodnight, no matter how short the “goodnight” was. Just to know he was safe in bed at the end of the night, and vice versa, was plenty enough. There was no need for long conversations if we were dead tired.
We had “check-ins”. It’s a lot easier to tell when your partner is happy with you in person. Every few weeks, we’d ask eachother, “How do you feel about the relationship? Is there any way I can be a better partner to you? Are you still confident with this?” — and it was wonderful. We usually tackled any issues head-on in advance, but sometimes this conversation would prompt a — “You know, the other day, I was actually thinking about something you said that bothered me a little…” and really paves the way for conversation on how to improve, plus, nobody is holding on to tension or negativity unnecessarily.
Don’t let the inability to have sex stop you from conveying desire. Very early on, we discussed our respectively high sex-drives, and there’s only so much that can be conveyed long-distance. We were long-distance for roughly one year and had to maintain the same amount of passion you’d find in any other relationship. We kept the spark with raunchy photos, voice calls and videos, obviously, but also by mailing clothing to eachother or using Bluetooth-activated “toys” for long-distance pleasure. The Lush is one of my favorites.
Communication is even more important when apart. We’d argue as all couples do and sometimes it was hard to resist the pull to hang up the phone! We made a point never to raise our voices and to try and solve problems over the phone because it allowed less room for miscommunication. We also took as long as it required, whether 10 minutes or an hour, to discuss and solve problems. It was grueling work and we would often be exhausted after, but it was just as necessary to validate each other’s concerns and deal with them long-distance. 90% of the time, it ended up being a situation we were frustrated with (not talking enough, not feeling enough sexual energy, etc.) rather than the person. Framing it in this perspective allowed us to both tackle the issue, rather than point fingers.
Trust is a necessity. Expect to go hours without a response. Expect to be the first who messages often. Expect them to go out and have fun. This was a hard area for me because I had been cheated on before, but it would have been unfair to project my insecurities onto my partner. Otherwise, I’d not have dated him. Most of the time when he stopped replying, he was sleeping or caught up in a video game, and while he’d apologize, I’d remind myself gaming was his hobby and he was equally allowed to enjoy it as I would be with painting, writing, going to the beach, or anything else I was passionate about. If I felt I wasn’t being given an equal amount of time, I’d talk about it and he’d generally understand. More often than not, I’d join him in gaming and share the hobby with him, even if I wasn’t interested or didn’t know much! This really helped us bond because I felt included in something and he felt happy to share his passion.
Expect things to change after you meet once or twice. The “realness” of the relationship will set in. You’ll start feeling so excited to see them, but equally lonely without their presence when you leave. You might begin to feel the inklings, if you don’t already, of falling in love. That’s why it’s important to discuss, and commit to, closing the distance in the future.
Discuss who should move first. One of us had to uproot our lives and everything we’d come to know, which was uncomfortable. I knew nothing about Texas and he knew nothing about Florida. We discussed how soon we wanted to physically live together and how realistic that was. For us, the wait was ten months, but for other couples it can be longer. He had to finish school and get some finances in order, as well as find a job here in advance. It was more beneficial for him to move here because my mother suffers with pancreatic cancer, and as the only child, I wanted to be near her and my grandmother, also going through kidney failure. Additionally, he finished his Master’s degree but I was going to start mine. Out of state tuition is crazy expensive! What really solidified things was the fact that it would be easier for him to find a job here versus myself in Texas.
Be patient during the moving process. My fiancée didn’t have much room to be picky about the jobs he applied for if he wanted to move in with me soon, but he also had a right to negotiate and make sure whatever he was being promised in salary would be worthwhile. I couldn’t be picky because he was literally sacrificing everything to move in with me. There were so many times I thought his next trip would be the last until we moved in together, but I was wrong, and so many times he received a job offer he wasn’t very confident about or passionate towards. As much as he wanted to say yes to the first opportunity for the sake of being together, if he’s working all day to contribute, it should be something he felt was sustainable and gave him room to grow. Our initial “ideal date” was pushed out by three months, but in the end, he took the time to find a good job and it was worthwhile.
Adjust to the life you are building together — the transition will not be perfect. We found excitement in the first few days, but of course he came to miss his family and friends. Adjusting to a new routine, new job, environment, group of people, along with all the obligations associated with moving were almost overwhelming. As happy as I wanted him to be, empathizing was just as important. Fortunately, he found ways to connect with his family, like calling them after work or playing video games with his little brother. We also made sure to keep some habits consistent, like a dedicated movie night each week or calling eachother at the end of the day if one of us was on a trip away from home for work-related reasons.
The two of us have been living together since January 2020 — a little over a year. The day after New Year’s, we packed ourselves into his Jeep with a U-Haul attached and drove across the country together. He moved in to my apartment, and the rest is history. We still make sure we allocate time and resources to flying to Texas each year so we can visit our family and friends. After seeing Florida, even during COVID-19, he’s fallen in love with it and isn’t too eager to discuss moving back.
In March 2021, after a little over two years together, he proposed at our favorite restaurant in Houston — a little hot pot eatery. He took me there the first time I visited Texas, and later I surprised him with a large birthday party at the same place. It’s become our go-to for special events and gatherings, so it was extremely special and I’ve never been more excited to see what our future holds.
